The Authentic Eclectic

Finding Peace on the Spectrum: Thoughts on My ASD Diagnosis

Image is author’s, all rights reserved

Earlier this year, something I’d long suspected about myself was confirmed; my brain operates differently than that of “normal” people. The diagnosis of ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder) that I received last month brought with it a sense of peace, as it’s led me a bit closer to understanding why I’ve always had such a difficult time with relationships, why I’ve so often been blindsided by life, repeatedly thrown off-kilter to the degree that the center wasn’t even something I could intuit anymore (if I ever really could).

My struggles with mental health have always been at the center of my life. And when I say always, I mean that my intense and crushing sadness and suicidal ideation prompted my mother to start taking me to a psychiatrist when I was 9. I remember feeling guilty about the visits as the doctor was an hour away and I understood it to be an expensive endeavor, but I loved his office with its exposed wooden beams and soft couches. It felt sophisticated and urbane, and he always asked me about the books I loved (CS Lewis was my thing at the moment). Books were the only thing I ever wanted to talk about, so I enjoyed the visits, though I don’t recall there being many.

Four decades later I’m sitting in a very different room, this one a tiny exam cell with cinder block walls painted the color of pale mint candy. The objective for this visit is the same as that long ago one, and dozens in between. I’m still trying to understand the endless war in my mind. The young psychiatrist before me is my fellow soldier, down deep with me in my brain’s trenches, fighting for justice in the battle for the gray matter. Actually, I should rephrase that — the war may not be endless after all. For the first time in my life, there’s been a lengthy rapprochement between the various splinter groups in my brain. I’ve been able, really since the inception of the pandemic, to find some peace and healing. Proper medication and vast amounts of personal work (made possible by the pandemic pause) have put me somewhere I’ve never been — on steady ground. And that peace has given me time to reflect on my life and the mental illness that has been at its core.

From where I stand now, I have a better vantage point. Beyond the depression…