The Authentic Eclectic
Finding Peace on the Spectrum: Thoughts on My ASD Diagnosis
Earlier this year, something I’d long suspected about myself was confirmed; my brain operates differently than that of “normal” people. The diagnosis of ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder) that I received last month brought with it a sense of peace, as it’s led me a bit closer to understanding why I’ve always had such a difficult time with relationships, why I’ve so often been blindsided by life, repeatedly thrown off-kilter to the degree that the center wasn’t even something I could intuit anymore (if I ever really could).
My struggles with mental health have always been at the center of my life. And when I say always, I mean that my intense and crushing sadness and suicidal ideation prompted my mother to start taking me to a psychiatrist when I was 9. I remember feeling guilty about the visits as the doctor was an hour away and I understood it to be an expensive endeavor, but I loved his office with its exposed wooden beams and soft couches. It felt sophisticated and urbane, and he always asked me about the books I loved (CS Lewis was my thing at the moment). Books were the only thing I ever wanted to talk about, so I enjoyed the visits, though I don’t recall there being many.
Four decades later I’m sitting in a very different room, this one a tiny exam cell…
